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[Timothy Duncan]

Hi everyone.

I'm usually pretty good with grammar and tense issues but I wanted to poll the audience on this one.

I have just about finished my 2nd contest entry, and while rereading it for the eight thousandth time I noticed that my first paragraph is written entirely in past progressive (imperfect) tense (i.e., He was standing by the window) whereas the rest of the story is (for the most part) in simple past tense (i.e., He stood by the window).

That is, the story opens something like this:

John was standing by the window. He was watching it rain and he was thinking about how he used to love the rain as a kid.

Suddenly the phone rang. John walked across the room and answered it. (etc.)

Would you find such an opening to be... grammatically odd? I tried converting the opening paragraph to simple past and it doesn't read right to me. I think it reads better the way it is written, but I wouldn't want grammar-fascist editors to reject a story because they think they've found a major tense issue on the first page.

Actually I find in my writing that my first paragraph is often in past progressive. I feel it helps set up a scene before hitting the play button.

What do you think?
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[Brad R. Torgersen]

My (imperfect) advice.

The word "was" is going to be frowned on by a lot of editors seeking "active voice" in their stories.

Cut it wherever you can.
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[izanobu]

I agree with Brad, this example is more of a passive language problem as well as a bare setting/empty room issue, not a tense issue.

How I'd rewrite it:

John stood by the window. He watched the rain and thought about how as a kid he'd loved rainy days.

Suddenly the phone rang. John crossed the room and answered it.

[osomuerte]

It feels like we're getting the frozen stage setting in the first paragraph.

The curtain opens: John is standing by the window...

So we get the idea of the freeze-frame moment when the story starts. It's not needed. Jump into the action. Let us hear the movement and the talking and the phone ringing before the curtain is all the way open. I find it helps to focus on something, maybe the window (I know the window isn't in the story, but it's our working example).

***
A drop of rain rolled down the double-paned window, its trail oddly refracted by the extra layer of glass. John followed it with his finger the way he did in those long car rides as a child.

A loud noise startled him and he smashed his knuckle into the glass. The phone. John reluctantly abandoned the rolling drops, crossed the room and answered it.
***

A touch of my melodrama in there that I usually have to tone down in late drafts, but you get the picture. The physical description of the room's situation plays into John's character from the start. There's nothing but him and the window until there needs to be. The world expands from there.

Now, if the story opens with a Mexican standoff or a man entering the room to see his wife naked with the gardener, give us the freeze frame. It's okay to set a stage, but if you can't explain WHY you need the stage set like that, I'd avoid it.

[izanobu]

well, geez, Oso... if you're gonna totally rewrite it I tried to preserve the original as best as possible...

[Jeff]

I'm with Oso on this one.

Many of the writing classes I've been to, and also speaking with editors, have said that a common beginning for young writers is: 1) The main character waking up, 2) The main character contemplating him/herself in the mirror and thinking about their life 3) The main character looking out a window and thinking about their life.

All three are frowned on as passive beginnings to stories (actually, all three are considered suicide in some circles). You want to catch the reader right away, so you want to throw them into the action. Start with the inciting event. Of course, if a man is waking up, gazing into a mirror, or gazing out a window and is suddenly shot, well then that's an active beginning to a story. The rules can be broken.

Now granted, Timothy's inciting event of the phone call (assuming that is the inciting event, and not just his mother calling) starts on line two. But the opening line still comes across as very passive navel gazing - it doesn't tell us anything useful about the character that we couldn't learn during the course of the actual action. (Yes, I know Timothy's example is probably made up and isn't the real first line of his story, but it's all I've got to work with).

Using Oso's example #2, he's demonstrated in ten words or less that John is jumpy and possibly has violence issues. He's still gazing out the window, but Oso's done more to concretely demonstrate character traits than just "he liked rain as a kid".

Oso's example #1 is active, certainly, but doesn't carry the double-bill of both Active, and Character Trait Indicator. If the man was tracing the rain droplets with a tentacle, maybe then . . .

[Prisoner]

[Timothy Duncan]

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone. Some good advice.

Just to be clear: my example was just something I pulled off the top of my head.

While I'm on the topic of tense, here's another problem I find myself encountering on occasion. Sometimes I like to tell my stories with the use of extended flashbacks. In principle, this would require the use of past perfect tense. However, long sections written entirely in past perfect sound stilted and cumbersome. On the other hand, using simple past for flashbacks can lead to some confusion when transitioning between the flashback and the present time, which is also written in simple past. A simple solution is to physically separate the flashback from the present action by making the flashback a separate section (space between paragraphs, say). But this isn't always practical.
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Leges sine moribus vanae.

[jloonam]

[Jeff]

I've seen this discussed before on how to present flashbacks.

Standard style is to start a flashback in past-perfect, hold that for a few paragraphs so that it's clear you're in a flashback. Then switch into normal past tense which is easier on the eyes. When you switch back to the present, just make the break clear.

Lots of people also say that you should keep flashbacks to a minimum. If the flashbacks take up a huge percentage of the story, then perhaps you started the story in the wrong place. (Unless it's a framing story where you start in the present, write the bulk of the story in flashback, and then end in the present tense again.)

[Prisoner]

[osomuerte]

Flashbacks. Very controversial topic.

They seem to fit better in novels than shorts or even novellas, but they can be done well. I especially like them when a character is having difficulty discerning between past and present, say in a dream or psychotic episode. Then it's the character's now relaying the events of the past.

Your garden-variety flashback tends to have alterior motives, either trying to hide something from earlier in the timeline to reveal when it more "convenient" or to fill in details that maybe could have been given earlier but weren't. These are bad flashbacks.

A good flashback is seldom an isolated scene in a story but rather part of an elaborate construct. If you don't have a non-selfish reason to use the flashback, don't.

The flashback in the end of Shutter Island is absolutely necessary and part of the whole movie's structure (even if the scene leading to it is a little "convenient" in and of itself). The flashbacks in the show Heroes are often more on the "oh, by the way..." end of things and suggest to me an inability to propel the story forward. But that's my opinion.

In summation, if the flashback can be worked around, it usually should be. If it must be a flashback, the rest of the story should support that fact.

[JRTomlin]

[JRTomlin]

[soulmirror]

I know it's a long-ago answered issue ... but to my ear 'John was standing' also runs the risk of being understood as meaning "John was standing by the window ... but isn't standing there anymore."

As for the value of "flashbacks" ... I luv them ... imo they're wonderful tools for telescoping and condensing time and action. Plus, for those who are dedicated to the "Show, Don't Tell" school ... flashbacks show, and datadump exposition tells.
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'The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within.' -- Gandhi